July 29, 2008

Sitting here eating my summer everyday breakfast - a tomato sandwich made on this incredible 8 grain bread from COSTCO, a little mayo and a sprinkle of pink Himalayan sea salt. YUMMY!!! Time for some catching up on my blog in between shopping for … golf clothes on line.

So I get a text message on Friday from Andy that says “appointment tomorrow at 11 a.m. any conflicts?”

Naturally, I am thinking HE has a catering meeting and I will have the morning free for me.  When the Valentine pink and white golf bag got loaded into the back of the Pilot Saturday morning, I knew sumpin’ was up.

He bought me an hour golf lesson with a local lady golf pro and guess what - (ACK) in that hour, I learned I was doing just about everything wrong despite that I was hitting the ball. Grip - wrong. Stance- wrong. Feet placement - wrong. Posture - wrong. Attitude - FABULOUS! Pastel colored golf balls - chi chi.

I had always envisioned golf as this mindless game of smack the ball, pitch the ball, unsandtrap the ball, putt the ball, curse at the ball, retrieve the ball from the water, drink beer, smoke a cigar, curse at the ball, drink more beer, forcefully become the designated driver of the golf cart because of too much beer…

This is what our guys DO when they are together. I feel like a get a girls insider scoop here. Kinda like all the boy locker room talk you can handle for 5 hours, in an idylic setting surrounded by lush grasses, tall trees, and freaking “who put THAT there” sandtraps. And while I am snarking — POISON IVY in the woods has GOT TO GO. Scratching …….

Learning that golf is as much a mind game as it is a hand to eye coordination and sometimes just plain dumb luck game.

Back to lesson - Chris (the pro - petite, thin as a rail, dressed in cute golf wear, about my age) asks me what kind of shape I am in. Well, I powerwalk, I am pretty flexible, I am in great shape … let’s do it. Translated - I am 46. I can guarantee I have NEVER used the muscles you are about to put into play. I am going to be in serious pain, but I will not cry until tomorrow morning when I am getting out of bed. What you may see is a smile, but underneath, my body is writhing in pain and you’ll never know it. This coming from a 8 year vet on QVC who has smiled through a bad burn from lifting a hot pan without an oven glove, a bloody spitting hand wound when a wine opener malfunctioned and stabbed me and got stuck in the palm of my hand, drippy hot flashes on live TV … and there’s too many to write about.

To abbreviate this challenging lesson, golf is not about grabbing a club, teeing up a ball and swinging and praying it moves. That was the OLD me.  The 4 step and wing it me. Cuteness and cold beer got me in the game.

The new me paid attention to everything out of Chris’s mouth. The NEW me now has about 150 steps to hitting a ball the right way and I must put each one of those steps into high gear in under 30 seconds lest I hold up the game.

Oh, and I CANNOT just use my driver for every shot except putting. There is a reason why I have a pink and white bag filled with Andy’s old set, because each club has a purpose. ( I am not fond of ANY iron.)

Steps to golfing -

1. Pick the proper club

2. Tee the ball up right. Geez, can I NOT just push the tee into the ground and top it with the ball?? NO. There is a science to tee-ing up.

3. Hold the club right. Proper fingers aligned and tucking into each other parallel to the shaft.

4. Align body askew left of ball. Club slightly angeled.

5. Butt sticking out about 4″ inches into imaginary wall.

6. Chest slightly bent and angled.

7. Chest up.

8. Chin slightly up.

9. Eyes on ball.

10. Feet right width apart and perfectly parallel.

11.  We are using ARMS people - not whipping our bodies like we are chopping wood. The force is in the arms.

12. Think straight pendulum swing. (I played softball for 18 years. This was tough. The softball player in me has to let go of the notion that I am swinging straight across to kill a ball. That is all my poor, aging bod knows … tough habit to break)

13. Arms pulling club up the right way. EYES ON THAT BALL!!!!!!!!!!!!Swinging down the right way to make perfect contact with ball and follow thru, bumping the hip stage left and bending right knee into left leg at knee while keeping left leg straight, follow thru with club behind head.

14. OK, now you can look to see where the ball went.

I was so nervous with this gal, though she was really a patient and sweet teacher. Might have been Andy standing behind me mumbling things like “oh ya … good luck getting her to change THAT one…” OR “see, have I not been telling you that for weeks?” Followed by “pay attention, princess, that is important…”

SHUT UP!!!

They tape you swinging so you can see what you are d0ing right/wrong. I have to say, by the end of the hour, if you had put me in a cute little pink golf skirt and a matching polo, shoes, socks and visor, I would have been mistaken as an LPGA pro.

 Hehehehehheheehehe.

A storm precluded me from practicing on the range after the lesson. We am scrammed for the car and headed home .

The big test came yesterday. We were set to golf with three of Andy’s buddies (where are the girls??? I have NOT seen a girl on any course yet…) at a local public course. He informs me one hour prior that we are now going to an exclusive club and I needed a golf outfit. ACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Panic shopping in Green Hills smack dab in the middle of NOWHERE PA. We got to a Boscovs and he gave me 10 minutes to find golf something. I hated ALL of it. NO skorts. NO polos. I looked HORRIBLE in all of it. He is pulling these shorts off the rack and shirts I could not get over my head. We settled for these bermuda-type brown striped shorts and a sleeveless white polo tee that actually matched my baseball hat and shoes.

How did I golf???

I was a hit and miss. I felt a great deal of pressure to perform, given he coughed up a $100 bill 2 days before for an hour lesson. Mind you, I had never golfed prior to this year. EVER. This was my second time out for 18 holes in a week. In a nutshell, Andy is a pro. He has been golfing on teams since high school and college. He golfs in bare feet. He rarely has to search for his ball. And, painfully, he remembers every stroke I take at each hole so when scores are recorded, anything over 8 has become his favorite number for me.

“She had a one 175 yard down the fairway, one 150 yard onto the green, and 6 tries at a putt,” OR “First ball in the lake, second ball in the lake, third ball in the lake, fourth ball we set past the lake, fifth ball in the woods, sixth ball in the tree trunk in front of where fifth ball landed, seventh ball on the green, eighth ball putted off the green, ninth ball one foot from hole, tenth ball putted 10 feet past hole …”

I either smacked the crap out it or it rolled off tee before I could swing. I lost my favorite pastel pink ball in the woods.

But I hit it. And the lessons helped me so much. I may not be able to get it on the green first time, like Andy, on a par three, but I wasted less time then the other 2 guys searching for balls that were sliced into the woods. There were some great holes on this course. I like the ones where you tee off standing at the top of a huge hill and the ball has nowhere to go but high and straight - no rolling. I hate the holes where you have to golf UP a hill. You hit it and it rolls down right back at you. I am also NOT fond of lakes or any water, especially water in sand traps. Double yuck!

There were holes when I hit better than the guys. Yep, I spent my time smoking a cigar while they hemmed and hawed searching for their tiny white balls. OK, so I did not inhale!

THIS is what guys DO when they are gone for 6 hours or more. It takes 4 plus hours to shoot 18 holes with golf carts. 2 hours until you get to the 9th hole where, if you are nice, the guys will give you 10 seconds to use the ladies room while they reload beer at the clubhouse.  Andy goes in the woods.

I am liking this game waaaaay too much. I just spent $200 on landsend.com buying golf clothes.

Next year, I get sponsored! Stay tuned!

ml